Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
