I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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