My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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