Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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