Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i think im in europe. pls send help
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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