Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
