Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
