I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
