you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
