He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
