Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
