TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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