I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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