My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
