after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
