I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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