I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
