this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
