the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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