eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I AM VODKA MAN
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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