he was CRYING into my vagina
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
