i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
