this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
