I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
