Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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