Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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