After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
