She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
