Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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