Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
