I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
