so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
they need to just BURY HIM!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My ass is underappreciated
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
