The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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