Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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