Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
