just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pants are for mortals
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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