my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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