It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
