I'm gonna have a badass scar
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize