i just had sex bonerless
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
