I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
