I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
