Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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