# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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