There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
