I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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