just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
