dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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