Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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