my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
