She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
