turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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