im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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