____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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