shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
