Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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