when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize