my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
