I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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