i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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