I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
